26 Weeks, 5 Days Pregnant: Growing a Life of Integrity

It's funny, I wrote that title using the word "growing" intentionally - in relation to how a the jungle grows organically as a part of nature - wild and yet, in perfect integrity for itself. I was going to apply it to the topic of my lifestyle, specifically around career and work choices, as well as parenting. Then I looked back on it, and as I chose the picture I would be using, I saw the little life growing inside - and recognized the multiple-faceted meaning of this title...

Photo: Body Art by Kim Brennan of www.facebook.com/HasinaMehndiandBodyArt (note - this is NOT Meghan in the photo - just a very appropriate energetic picture of how I feel!)

So I've been back from Peru a little over a week now. I dove into a full semester of sign language interpreting - my boyfriend and I are creating some surplus so we don't have to stress about money during the first three months after Campbell arrives (and I won't be working.) Full schedule, straight with early morning awakening at 5:30am every morning (I refuse to feel rushed in the morning - gotta stay low-stress for baby!) I am still temporarily staying at my Mom's house until my brother's townhouse is ready for us to rent out from him on March 1st.

By the end of the week, I was tired. Deeply tired. I was so excited about seeing a very special concert my friends' band was performing, a last show for one of the members. But come Friday night at 9:30pm, the idea of leaving the house seemed like the steepest hill in the world. I stayed up/dozed on and off for two hours trying to muster up the strength to go. I lost.

I woke up the next morning mad. Sad. Couldn't believe I missed this event so near and dear to my heart. Couldn't believe I even had had a debate about it in my head the night before. Couldn't believe the option of not going even crossed my mind. What had happened? Who was I becoming? My finger was hurting from too much interpreting, and I had missed the only major event I was dying to go to.

It catalyzed a purge, then a slap in the face from the Divine. How long have I been talking about wanting to move away from filling my weeks with interpreting and moving more into areas where I can be of better service and support? Quite a while now - yet the book it still not written. My friend and I came close to opening a shared space venture called Wildfire, but the money never came through (just as well, since she started dating someone out of state and I got pregnant, and neither of us had flex money.) I was so exhausted from my work week that I couldn't muster up the energy to go out on a Friday night and do something I deeply cared about. Something was out of integrity with my lifestyle. I've been seeing the signs, feeling the pulls and pushes, knowing I needed to move for over a year now. And what happens when I know what to do yet I don't do it? I get a Universe slap on the face. And I recognize I am out of integrity by definition.

After the initial vent anger/sadness purge the next morning, it came even clearer. I feel like I'm "wasting myself" interpreting. Not that it's not a noble career - Deaf people sure as hell need good interpreters. But I've lost my passion for it, my drive. I don't get to use my own voice (at all - it's contra to the nature of the job.) While it's not a negative thing in my life - the only thing I'm personally gaining from it at this point is money. To spend 30-40 hours a week of my life without growth - I can't do it. I won't . It's one thing to "sacrifice" for a period of hardship, or to get over a hump, but when that becomes the lifestyle, and I know full well it is not allowing me to be the most useful I can be to humanity - it's simply out of integrity.

The beauty is, after all this fear-facing/ego work I've been in, it's not as scary. I know who I am, and I know that what I have to offer (myself and my voice) is valuable for some people. Maybe not everyone, but many ask me for time. My time has a demand. But it's up to me to offer a supply. Plus, I can gradually reduce interpreting hours and increase one on one or workshop time as needed, so there won't be a huge financial leap (at first, I plan to charge what I make interpreting, since that's what I could be making elsewhere, it's a fair value for my time.) I'm over the money shit of and the collective judgment about "accepting money for spiritual work is bad" - bullshit. I can spend my time interpreting so my child can eat, bringing only minimal value to humanity, or I can spend my time supporting people who are asking me for my support, not only so my child can eat, but so I can maximize my service to humanity. Kind of a no-brainer.

So after we move in and get settled, I will begin (for real) opening up to doing various coaching/healing/etc work. Time to step up and step into new levels of service. One thing I do NOT want to model to Campbell is being a slave to money. What I do want to model is living a life of integrity - meaning continued growth and cultivation of a lifestyle that offers what you love back to humanity - and there is nothing wrong with financial trade for your time. Money can't be the top priority, or it taints it - but all of our time is valuable. If I don't recognize what my time is worth within myself, how can I expect someone to see it as well? That's a tool I want to pass onto my son, and it must be done through show, not tell.

Growing two lives of integrity at the same time:)

Peace:)
Meghan

236 Ceremonies/24 Weeks Pregnant: A Gift from Mother to Mother

Amazing, simply amazing. A new level of preparation indeed.

First of all, I was nervous about writing this blog. The words I would choose, the fear of being judged. It's not fair for me to expect a person who has not worked sufficiently with the Medicine to truly understand what it is physically and spiritually, and the benefits on all levels to the body, mind and spirit. It is not uncommon for shamans to allow their children to participate in ceremony. These plants are the best thing I can imagine putting into my body, and years of working with them has continued to reinforce this as my physical, emotional, and spiritual health continues to grow and soar. The Medicine is truly a gift from Mother Earth.

That being said, there are not many female shamans out there. There are very few female Western apprentices, and of them, very few write about it publicly. Out of that tiny percentage, how many are pregnant? They are out there, as I know several mothers who felt intuitively drawn to work with the Medicine for baby (though again, nothing shared publicly.) I feel like I'm creating a path through vast jungle - a path of a person's right to be themselves and cultivate their lives accordingly.

It was time for me to bring my strength to a new level. To face my fears of judgment, and stand up for the right to walk in integrity for myself, and I what I believe in for me. This week I was challenged, tested, and given the golden opportunity to walk through and crumble not only another glass pane/veil of ego, but release the fear it was protecting. My intention of the week:

"La Madre Medicina, feed this child the way only you know how, and teach me how to be a Mother."

Parts of this story will have to be vague, in order to protect confidentiality lines. I had an opportunity to be challenged by a person close to me, someone who has the potential to effect my home life. And it was his first time in the Medicine.

He brought to voice every one of my fears of judgment. "How could you do this to a child? You know this is poison, right? You're totally brainwashed - a crackhead thinks crack is good for a baby. I could go to a shrink and act crazy in order to take you all down. If this baby comes out f*cked up, I'll call Child Protective Services and take him away."

Standing in my integrity can be difficult under perceived attack. Everything I love the most (Infinite Light and the Medicine, as well as my family out in Peru, and now my new incoming child and family as well) felt threatened. Whether or not what I was hearing was actually what was being said doesn't matter. I panicked, and my defenses went flying up all over the place.

I did the best I could given the situation. While I know how something like this can look from the outside, most people who work sufficiently in the Medicine understand...why wouldn't I give such a gift to my child? I spend a lot of time preparing for the homebirth, avoiding the use of too many products (and I already do not use Western meds). This child deserves everything I have to give him. And I'm not going to hold back because someone who has no experience in the Medicine doesn't understand it.

So the week continued. Tensions heightened. I moved from the place of trying to help him break through his walls so he could receive his healing (it's not like I've never seen this before, I've just never had it so personally focused on me and my choices). After awhile I stopped worrying about his healing and moved into a place of recognizing that we needed to be okay, for the child's sake. I refused to walk around in fear of someone looking over my shoulder. So I decided to ease the defenses and was willing to make the sacrifice, letting him feel he "won" (though not to the point I could lie.)

As soon as I shifted, I began to recognize that while any mother may feel the same way, my ego was still very much in there. It takes two to battle, even if on the defense. The ego as I see it is a defender - a protector of fears. In my panic, I fueled the fire. I tried to move his process along at the pace I wanted to see it, instead of staying in my own lane and letting the Medicine take care of it. I panicked and called my boyfriend (a third in the triangle) when it felt like it was to be a serious threat to our child, crossing confidentiality lines. My ego was half the battle.

When I began to see it, I had no other choice in order to stay in integrity but to admit it, not only to him, but to the group as well. When I did so, everything began to soften. There was no one to fight anymore. In ceremony another glass pane shattered as another deep fear was faced. The only way to access these vulnerability levels is to have them physically provoked - and I can't think of a safer way than in a controlled environment like in the Medicine.

So it smoothed over. He even had another ceremony, and while mild, his views started to soften on the Medicine as well. Far from BFF's, but in an okay place of agreeing to disagree.

Meanwhile, before the fourth ceremony, I got a vision while sitting alone in ponderence. Words cannot describe it, since it was much more energetic than anything else, but the deeper concept of what was actually happening here in sharing the Medicine with the baby in utero. A gift from Mother Earth is La Madre Medicina (all these considered sacred feminine) as an induction for a new mother and child. The wisdom of the Earth spirits sharing God through the body. A gift from Mother to mother.

Last ceremony, I asked again, "Teach me how to be a mother." I was immediately brought to my heart, and felt a block over the space of "satisfaction". One thing I've learned is than I when I find a block, it's usually fear, and I must ask the right questions. "What is the fear?" I ask. "Fear of letting go of the past, into the new now." I explore this more until I find the correct heartstring and release the deep energy through a cry. I find another, and another. I keep plucking the chords and releasing the fears until I get down to the core belief of being alone - fear of not being loved. I crumble the belief system I had created when I was a child. I find myself intensely squirming in the fear and hesitation, finally pushed into sitting in the place I had spent years developing complicated belief systems to avoid touching. But my intention and will trumps my fear, and I do what needs to be done to allow myself to be the best mother I can be.

It strikes me that as deeply as both of my parents have always loved me, they were not capable of loving each other at that level. So the heart trinity - two parents and child in love at the deepest level - I had never experienced it. I felt it from each of them to me, but not as a triangle. It has taken me a lot of work to clear out enough fear blocks and ego defenses to allow me to be able to love at that level, and only after this latest chapter is the space cleared and prepared.

Once the fear is released, I physically vomit. Upon return, I look up into a space of a clear forest, full of white trees and singing birds. The sacred connection now has space to grow."Do I need to do something now, like plant seeds in the new space?" "Nope. Now that the fear has been removed, all will happen quite organically. You want to know how to be a mother? Teach this child to love without fear, by example." It strikes me this is exactly what the Medicine does - loving unconditionally as we release our darkness into her open arms. "All is in Divine Order. The second you lay eyes on that child, any doubts you have in regards to that will completely disappear." "For real for real?" I ask. "For real for real." I love how she speaks my language:)

On the last day, I lay in a hammock with Luco's three month old baby girl in my lap ("you're sitting on your cousin,") I tell her in Spanish. She feels like family already. I had been afraid to bring my boyfriend into my Peru world, my Peru family. But I'm not afraid anymore. I cannot wait for him to be a part of them, just as he has become a part of my family in Virginia. These parts of me do not need to be separate, and while it may look funny to the outside (Luco and I being ex-engaged) love has no set form. I believe in the spirit world, relationships may change in one lifetime to the next (be my brother in one, my mom in another). We just did it while still in the physical. Love is love, and if not limited by fear, has room to grow in a million directions.

So here we are, me sitting in a new level of preparation for the birth and raising of this already beloved child. Not my child, God's child. My responsibility to guide him to the best of my ability, but he is not mine to own. He has no idea how much of a fuss has already been made over him, and only six months in utero! He has been rolling and kicking and playing with me from the inside:)

Thank you Medicine. Thank you for showing me what to do, and clearing out what was preventing me from doing it. Thank you for this very deep fear-facing opportunity, therefore allowing me the strength to share about it. I don't need everyone to understand. I just need to be willing to stand in my truth, for me, as I see it. And now I am ready to do that. By practicing now, I will be able to model this for my child. I want him to know it is possible - to be who he is and cultivate a life that is in integrity for him. Otherwise I'm all talk.

Love, Light and Peace from the Amazon,
Meghan

131: 22 Weeks Pregnant: Heart Opening in the Jungle

First off, to our total surprise, it's a BOY!!! It's as if he was showing off in full view to make SURE we knew who he was lol - she spotted his little man within a minute! Just goes to show ya - even a strong intuition can be wrong (especially with a baby, I'm sure he'll keep us on our toes!) You may have also noticed the date change - they moved up our due date by about a week (now due May 9th) though she also said many first time pregnancies are often up to two weeks late. So there we are! The first name is Campbell (following Calvin's family tradition of the firstborn being the CEH initials, he's had that name ready forever, so I'm giving him this one!) We're still playing with the middle name, but the front runner is Elder (a sacred tree in Celtic and African traditions, as well as a "wise" word, and he is the firstborn, so...) So for now at least, Campbell Elder Harvey is well on his way!

So being back in Peru feels FANTASTIC. It feels very much part of the flow - I had a dream months ago to come for this group. I'm so excited to be able to introduce Campbell in the womb to my world/his future world out here! And Luco has recently had a baby as well (who is crazy adorable by the way!), so as weird as it may seem to have two ex's with their babies of other partners all together in one place, it's just not that weird. It's our big, growing Infinite Light family. And one of these days the time will be right for Calvin to come and become part of it as well:)

So like I said, I feel cleaned up and very excited for the upcoming group:) I've noticed an interesting thing happening as of late as well - I feel like my heart may be expanding to a new capacity. It's little things - like this street dog with fleas I normally would've said hi to but not necessarily petted (sorry if that makes me sound like an ass, just being honest) but his energy just called out to me for some love. So I petted him for like half an hour, and happened to have a hard boiled egg on me (don't ask) so I gave him my egg too. He was so happy - putting his head on my knee - even jumped up and licked my face. Animals have been drawn to me extra since being pregnant, but the desire to just love something for the sake of loving it - more than normal, to a new level. I feel like this is part of the energetics of pregnancy preparing me for a child. How beautiful is that!?

I'm also finding myself being sillier, lighter. I can still go deep when necessary, but just doing stupid funny things that make myself and/or whoever is around laugh (like me and Tatiana dancing in the hammock on the boat, cracking Jolker up). Just fun for fun's sake, like you do naturally when little kids are around. My inhibitions are down. I just don't care if I look stupid, or like a gringa tourist, or a whatever. I'm just doing my thing, and it's easy, and light, and fun. I don't think Life is supposed to be this hard, and where I can make it easier by letting go a little into my childlike self - why not?

So anyway, I am loving life these days. First trimester feels like light years away, and I feel healthy, happy, and in a beautiful preparation process on every level! What more can you ask for? And my job at the university came through with a whole lot of extra hours for me for the next semester, so I'll be able to help bank money so we can breathe a little easier during the hello baby period. Universe is providing, and we are both extremely grateful! I'll be working my little arse off, but I feel confident I'll find a healthy balance between taking care of my body/mind and bringing in some moolah.

Anyway short and sweet, that's all I got for now! Will write again once we get back from our group in the village! Much love everyone:)

Peace:)
Meghan

18 Weeks, 3 Days Pregnant: Past Life Stranglehold

So since facing some of the fear that caused the push/pull with relationships, I've since gone even deeper into the rabbit hole. The energetic "tectonic plates"shifted underneath, allowing me for a more firm footing in partnership, which was a necessity for our incoming child. What has been showing up over the last week or so - not new, but to a new, noticeable level - is that same, persistent fear of stepping up, out, and using my voice in the world. My Life Purpose/Love Offering/Soul Calling stuff. I kept attributing it to the generic fear of success, but something felt a little thicker than that, an oppressive force even. Like there was something (removable) that was quite literally, holding me down from flight. And now that I'm going to be someone's mom, being held down from Soul Calling is the last thing in the world I want to be modeling.

So, in my second round of the three-session love offering my mom covered for me with Paul Sivert (my go-to reader/shaman in Maryland), I came with some clear questions. These days, the Medicine spirits don't lead me, they let me lead (and fumble around, and figure things out) both in and out of ceremony (not like there's a real difference.) So basically, I am to pay attention, ask for help when I need it, and learn my way around the physical/spiritual world. I don't get a tour guide anymore - only if I specifically call for one. It's a "leave the nest" process.

So basically I need to get down as far as I can on my own, then shine a light on the dark spot. Paul, being a clairvoyant, can help get a visual of it, where I can feel the energy. Together it's an interesting process. And with the spirits he channels (Medicine included) the more specific my questions are, the more specific the answers. Remember, my Life Purpose (I've switched to saying Love Offering or Soul Calling) is to share my experience along the journey to my own True Self and Soul Calling - so that by nature, it can support whoever wants it to along the way. From start to finish. Not wait until I'm at the Deepak Chopra level. How did he get there? People rarely get to see the process, especially the younger generation. And even a plain old normal white chick from the suburbs can do it - because we're all spirits. There is no "culture" in the Spirit World. No oppression or "white guilt". That's physical world stuff, holding everyone, on either side of the coin back. In my eyes, anyone who wants it can access their true self/spirit can. Not even a complicated thing - the journey is in UN-complicating what the ego has made appear chaotic. In my experience, spirit world learning goes the opposite direction than academia. In school, the "higher" you go, the more "complex" the concepts are. In spirit world, it's like we're clearing the clutter down to the most simple depth of a seed - profound, and in the roots. I can't tell you how many times in ceremony - when the deep wisdom comes through - it's always so damn obvious - yet none of us could see it with the ego's blinders. But the "blink", the snap of understanding when another veil lifts - that's the spiritual process. And I don't expect it to end, since the levels, from what I've been shown, are infinite. So here we go, another level down the rabbit hole, to see what fear is holding me back.

So the main way my fears tend to manifest physically is through procrastination/overwhelm. If left untreated, that has the potential to turn to a new level - depression, but that was long ago when I didn't have the "paying attention" tools I do now. I'm not an anxiety girl, not a worrier. So to the naked eye, it doesn't look like fear so obviously. But that's why knowing my ego's MOs are so important - so I can catch the fears when they show up. And this has been a mild theme for awhile, just starting to get more and more annoying to me (which is what happens as they kind of "bubble up" to be purged.)

Basically it's real easy to blame not working on the book or the radio show on being busy. Work, Christmas, blah blah. But then - somehow the time I'd said I wanted appears, and what do I do? Find anything other  than writing or podcasting to work on. Anything. Even stuff that I normally procrastinate (like cleaning.) I just itemized my entire 2011 tax papers, and it's December. Fear, much?

But why? What am I so afraid of? I feel safe in blogworld. Somehow that venue doesn't hit the trigger anymore. Nor does Facebook. But speaking with my own voice on a pre-recorded podcast, to be aired on internet radio? Those who know me know talking is not my weak spot. I get flooded with information, especially related to spirituality. Half the time it's the first time I've heard it - some channel opens and it's new to me too. So no problem there.

I spent all this time delaying my "coming out" process to do Ego work. Necessary, yes. I had to get to a place where I wasn't necessarily thinking I was "right", and could just share my story without preaching it (annoying, I know. Blind spots are embarrassing!) And while I doubt there's an end to ego work, as long as I'm in a human body at least, I have hit a threshold where I feel more comfortable and less afraid my ego is going to sound like an arrogant, condescending new-ager who can't see it in herself. It still happens, I'm sure, but the journey never ends, so at some point, if I ever want to share, I can't wait until I get "far enough" - another trick of the ego fear to keep me from speaking.

So here we are - the time is now. I've talked about this before, and I'm getting sick of hearing myself gear up to step out, then somehow fizzle back into the default uncomfortable comfort zone. Shit is getting old, and I feel an internal time clock trying to get my attention. I'm so close - it's just a small step that only appears more scary than it really is (thanks Medicine - an example of a channel out message not from me.)

Okay - so to the reading. My question to Paul's spirits was: "Is this "oppressive energy" I feel a block? Is it something that can be removed? Or is it there as a climbing wall for me to strengthen my muscles up enough to get over, so I'm stronger on the other side?"

The spirits come through. "A small amount of it is "negative motivation" [I intuit - the time clock] but a lot of it has really come to the point of holding you back. I see it in visual form - a root coming out of the ground, wrapping around your left leg and hip, all the way up through the back of the heart, and into the throat."

This makes sense to me energetically, as I hold almost all my fear/dark crap on the left side - mostly around my stomach and hip area. And that's exactly what it feels like. And my throat is my voice, which makes sense as well.

"There are three women spirits - you from past lives - who are holding fear for you. All three were healers of some sort - and two were violently put to the death over it. One was persecuted and killed as a witch, the other was a nun, but still upset the angry male population (who at that time were very fearful of the wisdom of women.) The third was shunned for something she wrote - this one more recently. She was isolated from her loved ones. In all three lives, you were single. You feared that if you were to be in relationship, you would not be able to live out your purpose."

Ding ding ding. There's the relationship piece - that resonated resoundly. The aspects did as well. This fear of some kind of punishment, persecution, shunning. Even though I have one of the most supportive families in the world, a gigantic group of friends who are proud of me, and a huge community who is fascinated with this work (hey, fear isn't necessarily logical.) Plus, I've spent a lifetime creating my own way - figuring out ways to navigate and respect the Western culture, while working it my own style. That's normal for me, and actually doesn't take any effort anymore. But this new level - the fear of the "big Ayahuasca guys" - etc. It's time to let it go.

Real quick - I want to give you my take on past lives. I'm not totally sold on it being a "linear time" type of thing (like, in 1650 I was this person who lived here, etc.) That may be the case, but I'm not sure. I also think it could be a multiple plane thing - either happening all at the same time, but feels like a memory. It may even just be a symbol or metaphor - a visual representation of a certain energy - served in a way my brain can wrap around it - personified. Without getting my brain around it, an energy is a lot harder to release. I see this phenomenon a lot in ceremony, so it could be here as well.

Either way, I could give two shits. It works, and that's all I care about.

So we did a guided trance state journey to the three women. Individually I thanked each one for their love and caring, and also explained to them this is a different time period than when they were killed (all by the age of 30). And I let them all go.

Now, one could say - what if they're keeping you safe? What if their message is valid and now someone's gonna kill you?

Since the energy was fear based (not intuition based) I don't trust it. Intuition guides me out of a dark alley. Fear paralyzes me. And that's one of the beautiful things about moving farther along the journey - my "ability" is recognizing energy, and being able to feel the differences, so I can know what to trust. And fear - I don't trust that for shit. It feels very different to me than intuitive guidance that says "caution" or "stop." It's not scary - it's just clear.

So that's my main reason, because this was their fear in me. And even if for some reason I was wrong - I can't live a life in fear. All I'm talking about doing is writing a book here - this is not some coup to overthrow the government. My Soul Calling is not for everyone - it's for some, and those people will find it organically. It's not "in your face", it's simply me sharing. I'm really not making waves that large. And it feels debilitating - like I'm not free. I'm always shooting for deep freedom, and anywhere I'm held back, I will find a way to remove the hold.

So as I released the three spirits, and hopefully the fear that came with them, I felt strong tingling energy up and down my left side. It almost felt like the root disintegrating - like it released back into my body to be purged out naturally (that night I had a dream I was like 20, drunk and trying to hook up with some hot guy from my high school - not a far step from the complex ego system my fear had created - keeping the "real potential" guys away and the "uncatchables" my distraction.)

And I've recorded another podcase and now written a blog. Movement is happening. Could it be placebo effect? Of course. Do I think it is? No. Do I care either way? No. I just want to be free to fly. So let's see what happens!

Love!

17 Weeks, 2 Days Pregnant: The Birth Training

It's starting to come together more and more - the whole thing. I love how the Universe and Medicine show me things. I'm not the girl who has an angel talking in her ear, or a vision blast at every turn, or the ability to have a quick convo with my spirit guides. They feed everything through my intuition, and of course, dropping things onto my path for me to try out. I'm an experiential learner, and a bit of a rebel as well - and to be honest, having step by step guidance along the way just isn't my style - I want to be involved in the process, not just a follower, but a piece of the puzzle.

So they shift things around. "Outside of ceremony" (if you want to call it that) Medicine guidance comes in the form of dropping hints for me to chew on, feeding info through my intuition (that just "bubbles up" from the bottom up in bursts of clarity/epiphanies, vs. "top-down heady analyzing") and sometimes by backing off and letting me flounder around until I eventually get tired of bitching, stagnating, or spinning - and make a different choice.

So a new validation to the birthing phenomenon dropped in my lap a couple days ago in the form of a Facebook post (I do not deny the "spiritual circulation" on some of these things - I swear there are spirits who run the search engines to make sure people land where they need to sometimes). The post was a 20/20 blurb about what they referred to as "Orgasmic Birth". Several people had re-posted it. I watched it, and it resonated deep inside my body (there's another key component of how I receive as well - the "clairsentinance or clairsentience" - feeling energies both physically and intuitively. Basically if I see something and nothing happens inside, it's either not for me, or not for me right now for whatever reason - maybe I'm not ready, maybe the timing is wrong, whatever. But when it's worth investigating, I feel it through and through.) So this video definitely stirred up something. I didn't repost it because I'm not yet strong enough to fight off the doubt I may have had to fight through - I'll repost it after I birth this way:)

I went and found a documentary called "Orgasmic Birth" on Amazon Prime and rented it. It was amazing. It felt like birth without fear. Birth the way I felt somewhere deep in my primal intuition, that Western docs have manipulated a bit over time. There are some great stats and points in there (by MDs, OBGYNs, midwives, etc, talking about how for 10% of high-risk pregnancies, the approach Western hospitals take is life saving. But that became the standard, and as applied to the normal 90%, it messes with the natural birth process and can be detrimental. You come out with a healthy baby, but the process is much different than it otherwise would have been.)

Anyway I won't go into the whole thing, but in a nutshell, it describes how birth isn't by nature this horrible, intensely painful process to be dreaded and feared, but can be a blissful, peak experience that is (literally) orgasmic in nature. This freaks out some people, but it makes sense to me - like coming full circle (the creation of a baby from seed to son - a similar experience.) And that there's also a fine line between pleasure and pain. The hormones that are released (which are minimized by an epidural) are similar to those released during lovemaking, but when we go in it in fear, expecting the worst - adrenaline is released early, causing us to tighten up and contract - causing pain instead of pleasure. The adrenaline is supposed to release at the end, fueling the urge to push.

There are other pieces to it - the ability to walk around, change position, and soothe the cramps in a waterbirth for example allow an easier environment to naturally alleviate some of the pressure. And being comfortable, with low lighting, music, candles or whatever makes the environment more relaxing - a little nicer than the bright florescent overhead rectangle above.

Once again, I'm not saying Western medicine doesn't have a place - it most definitely does. And I'm not knocking hospital births, epidurals or C-Sections for mothers who feel that is right for them. I'm not recommending home waterbirth for anyone. I'm just feeling this for myself, and something about watching this documentary validated what I already was feeling deep inside.

If you hate this idea and think it's crazy, please do not comment. Like I said, I didn't re-post the video because a lot of the desired experience is going to come from my own expectations. I know to some people this sounds like new-age crap, but it's what I'm doing, and I'm asking for respect to do as I choose. We can debate this after the baby is born - I want my best shot at getting prepared emotionally, physically and mentally as much as possible. I almost didn't write about this, but I trust you guys to keep your mouth shut, even if you think I'm nuts - at least until after the birth in May:)

Anyway (that was kind of a long tangent) all this to say, a clarity came through today. All of this resistance I've been experiencing as applied to the relationship, as well as the act of me actively letting go into it, bit by bit, even through some of my deepest fears - these are the same emotional actions I will be taking to let go into the birth - and allow myself to experience the state of bliss that childbirth can be. This is my pre-training (and important for other obvious reasons) but it's also part of birth preparation - the emotional piece. The physical piece will include getting back to the gym when I return from Peru, as well as back on a serious yoga practice. It's time for me to stop "waiting for May" and start preparing for it. Now I have a goal - like training for the half-marathon last year, having a goal makes all the training for a reason bigger than myself.

Watching all those couples during amazing, blissful births - every single time the baby popped out I laughed and cried. Every time. The baby inside did too. This is going to be so amazing... And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, life goes on. Shoot for the moon, land in the stars, right? I do a lot of things that people say can't be done. And if a blissful birth is physically possible, you know I'm damn-well gonna give it an honest to God shot:) Why wouldn't I? Either way I'll be more present and prepared. Fear isn't the approach I want to take here, hence all this fear purging I'm doing now. I'm shooting for beautiful, spiritual, bliss on another level. A ceremony for the incoming spirit. Man...wow...:)

Peace:)
Meghan

PS - BabyCenter update for 17 weeks:

Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop.

16 Weeks, 6 Days Pregnant: "Healing the Bad Boy Complex"

It's clear to me that the nine/ten months gestation period for a child to be born isn't just for the sake of the child. Less than halfway through this pregnancy and I've gotten Peru-level/paced work done. There's a time crunch on this one:)

I think I'm about to the other side with this big "fear of being swallowed by domestic life" purge. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, it's starting to look more and more ridiculous to me (which is what usually happens as I come around to completion). I decided to use one of my favorite tools - pulling out the 'opposite' energy - and do something fun with the boy. A Groupon used well - a nice hotel in the city, sushi and coconut shrimp soup for dinner at a very ambient restaurant, and a dose of exactly what we both needed - some connection. The 'opposite energy' was to dress myself up and remind myself that, belly and crazy hormones or not, I'm an attractive person and I need to feel it once in awhile. Let's face it - I needed to look hot.

My mom also offered to help fund a couple sessions with Paul Sivert, my go-to reader/healer guy here in the US. Very nice of her, because he is paid what he's worth. We did a session yesterday morning (before the date) which got a lot of stuff moving. I'm going to Peru in January, so a lot of this will move out there, but I wanted to get some of these roots out to ease my process even more.

I know what the root belief is: it's the defense mechanism of "wanting what you can't have" - the slippery uncatchable satisfaction that comes from somehow "beating the game". But it's rigged. Why is it a defense mechanism? Because it keeps joy and love in intimate relationships always an arms-length away. It's the mechanism that had me chasing "emotionally unavailable bad-boys", then trying to "fix" them the majority of my life. Like they are mine to "fix" - how arrogant of me. And the ones who just loved me without making me feel like I had to put on a show - well I wasn't attracted to them. In fact, I was often energetically repelled - no matter how cute, nice, etc, I viewed them as needy and weak, and the opposite of what I wanted.

That's on me - my issue to be addressed. While I can see clearly now that it's not only out of balance, it's preventing me from being able to just relax into a happy relationship and potential family - because there's a sense of "ready to flee" panic button that only a future child could convince me to override - and if I don't get the root out - who knows for how long. So it's on - I'm tired of the "just around the corner" syndrome. I wanted unconditional love - and I got it. So now, all I have to do is move out any block in my body regarding the acceptance of it.

I got a good reading from Paul - and he got some info that makes a lot of sense, too. When I'm running around trying to catch the uncatchable, or longing for the satisfaction of a relationship I can't have, I'm distracted.

"It's no secret you have a big destiny. Part of your role in the Medicine is still being kept secret, even from you, until the right time to reveal it. But all the related dreams you have - the writing, etc, that's all still in tact. Having a child does not change that. In fact, the child will move you along. When you relax into this, Calvin will create the foundation you need to be able to launch, and manifest your dreams (and you for him). If you want to be focused on your Life Purpose, you've got to solidify this area of your life." Okay that's not an exact quote, but you get the gist.

I never thought about the run-around as being a distraction. Of course it is (duh). It's not like I didn't see the pattern. It's not like I didn't recognize myself as the common denominator. I just hadn't walked straight into the fire of my fear yet (and then gotten pregnant on top of that, which just accelerated this investigation.) Now I'm in it, and actually almost out the other side. What happened in there? I faced the fear at a new level. I didn't get caught by the glitter of temptation to get back on the rollercoaster. It took me awhile to get myself down into the cave (because part of me was kicking and screaming and rationalizing the whole time) but now we're in.

All this work in the Medicine leading me up to this new level, that I am only now ready to handle. Not everyone has this root belief, so it may not resonate for everybody. But for those that do, it doesn't seem to go away until addressed, which can happen at any age. So it may seem 'high-schooly', most issues are - or picked up before. I didn't pick up much to learn from after the age of 18. I started working on the back work.

So here we are. I actually feel better now than I did before, since I "got in" (the process was what was so uncomfortable, because many people, including myself, have limited vision for awhile.) But now the clarity is opening to new levels, and I'm being able to see the big picture more and more. And I'm getting super excited to meet this baby. First ultrasound - end of the month!

Much love guys:)

Peace
Meghan

16 Weeks, 2 Days Pregnant: On People Pleasing, Judgment, and Being Human

'Mask' by Graur Codrin

The "People Pleaser" (or lack thereof as of late) has been a topic of conversation since I've been pregnant. It's an interesting phenomenon for me - what it feels like to be bitchy for a period of time. In a way I think it's good for me. Sound crazy?

You know, I have spent a long time coming off of this arrogant ego. So while my early stages of spiritual growth definitely had me doing the old annoying "preachy and condescending New Ager" thing for a couple of years (which, of course, I was totally blind to. It's only until I started noticing how annoying it was in other people that the mirror unveiled the embarrassing reflection), the over-correct next stage (which was another few years, and where I'm just leaving now) was the "I'm practicing non-judgment to the point of not allowing myself to be human, which can also come off judgy to those who aren't" stage. This was an interesting thing to work through, because while I do feel that non-judgment is ultimately where I'm striving for, to take the human experience experience out of this thing would be to miss it in many ways (if we're a spiritual being having a human experience, if we were supposed to be having something other than a human experience, wouldn't we therefor not be here, in this form?) So while I'm glad I went through the last phase (because there were SOOO many things I was judging that I didn't realize I was until I really tried to practice non-judgment - try the big ones like Big Pharma, big business, George Bush, government and money) I feel like I came into a good balance on where I was actually judging and spewing negativity claiming I was being positive (that seems to be a classic blind spot, raging about a cause and spewing hate in the name of good, then judging religious zealots for doing the same thing in a different way.)

So now, maybe I'm still in that phase, but a new branch. One of the ways that was showing up was by trying to always be open to feedback. I didn't always succeed, and I still don't, but I was trying. But while I was trying so hard to apply all these spiritual principles, somehow I was missing the 'just being' aspect. One of my friends Gordon has driven me nuts over the course of my journey - always a few steps ahead of me and making my ego crazy because of it. He used to always talk about balance, and we'd get in big arguments about whether it was balance the Universe was shooting for (including with Light and Dark) or whether we're trying to get the Light to "win" (guess which team I was on?) But honestly, as I've moved farther along on my path, I've started to agree with him more and more (and I was vehemently adamant about being right about this before).

I feel like the darkness serves just as much as a purpose as the light. To me, you can't separate "God" out from anything - it's the whole everything. Does that mean I advocate for unnecessary killings and poverty? Of course not. The extremes are harder for me as a human to understand the "why" behind. But I know for myself, on the micro level, my hardest times have been my biggest turning points. My worst enemies have been my best teachers. It's just like the Medicine told me that one time - "Meghan, a seed by itself can't grow. It needs "shit" to fertilize it." We got to have something to grow through, otherwise we just stay still.

So now I come to the phase where I begin the balance of the other aspects of being a human - being okay with being a bitch once in awhile. If you ever told I would've heard myself say that as I walk deeper down the spiritual path, I would've thought you were full of shit. But I'm starting to get it.

It's not about being "spiritual" or "perfect". It's about being human, and the whole gamut of experiences that go along with that. I always said this on paper, but you know how it is with levels - you only see what you can see when you can see it. The rest are blind spots until you get down to a new level. I'm sure this is blazingly obvious to many, maybe even most of you reading this. But for me, I didn't realize how much I was saying it on paper, and not actually there yet (another lesson from the Medicine - "do you want to appear that you're there, or do you want to actually BE there?"

So what does being there, in true non-judgment look like? It means if I'm in a crappy mood I don't plaster a fake smile on my face. Whoa. Now, I'm not saying our cultural rules (or professional cultural norms) agree with me here, so clearly there may be some natural consequences. But if someone thinks I'm not the friendliest person in the world, who cares? My ego, my judgment. Right then, in that second, to be authentic, I am not the friendliest person in the world. So I could lie and fake it (which, I do believe, is appropriate sometimes, especially if the natural consequence isn't worth it) or I could just be okay with that person not loving me.

It also means I stop having that internal eyebrow raise when someone pops an Advil for a cold (Western meds are my weakest big system judgment) just like many vegetarians do towards the meat-eater, and the non-smokers to the smokers (not everyone does this, relax. But I'm sure we've all experienced the energy of the "I'm trying to not be holier than thou, but in reality, what I don't want to admit is that I think I am" - probably from both perspectives (you shop at Wal-mart? Starbucks? Sell-out.) 

The nice thing about letting go into this, is that I was afraid if I opened this door, I would somehow turn into an out of control bitch. And in actuality, I'm not being mean, or hurtful or spiteful or anything. It's just me being not a people-pleaser. It means if someone goes off the deep end with a "condescending new agey response" on to something I post on Facebook, I may actually say something about it instead of A) being hyper defensive (my old old way), or B) thanking them for their feedback while internally grumbling about their comment. Now, I'm moving into C) responding with the way I feel about the comment (again, we're not talking about personal attacks here, I don't really ever see a reason for that.)

Now - remember which side of the spectrum I'm coming from. For a person who comes from the "bitchy as a defense mechanism" (like the bully kind of persona) this will not work the same way, as they are on the opposite side. 'Our middle' is the same, but our approaches will have to be different. So I'm not advocating for every person out there to release their inner bitch. I'm advocating for finding balance, whatever what looks like for each person. To me, my people-pleaser comes from Ego, which comes from fear of being judged, and therefore being alone (it's a long, irrational stretch, but the fear and it's protector are not always rational.) Finding a way to not function from fear (in this regard) is what I'm shooting for.

Anyway, so pregnancy kind of forced it out of me, but now I feel more liberated. And turns out I'm not mean under there, I'm just a little edgier, with more backbone. Not so bad. And if I get judged, I get judged. I get judged anyway, so what's the difference? It's all about finding my own balance, and allowing myself to be human. And guess what? Then other people don't feel like they have to live up to my unreachable standard, and can just breathe and be human too. You know, the whole non-judgment thing:)

Happy Thursday!

Photo credit:
Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

16 Weeks, 1 Day Prego: Checking the Lenses

Solo Road Trip 2005

I had a dream last night that my camera wasn't working. I had taken out the memory card and couldn't figure out how to get it back in correctly. My dad was dressed as Santa, and we were all in Australia (I was involved in some group that was working on recording baby stuff). Mom was there too. But when I looked through the camera lens, all I could see was a past version of my dad. And then my mom. I couldn't make new memories, all I could see was the past. And I was really pissed off about it.

I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this one out. Big, back fear purge - check. Crossing the line from purging to wallowing - check. Still facing the past fear and distracting myself from the present - check. I have examined, and gotten the info I needed. Now it's time to move on. This fear is starting to really annoy me.

So maybe it's time to stop worrying about who I don't want to become, and start focusing on what kind of mother I want to be. I want to be strong and healthy, modeling self care in terms of nourishment and exercise (and enjoy it!) I want my kids to know their mother as an artist: a professional writer, and an amateur photographer (with current lenses!), jewelry maker, visual artist with a nice voice - one who takes us to museums and concerts and plays.

She travels, and takes us with her most of the time. We learn about culture, people, nature - and often have a chance to practice our Spanish and hang out with our friends in the village in Peru. I like when we visit new places too - it always seems something crazy happens and we end up on one adventure after another.

She makes us think about things, and doesn't always tell us the answer. She says that sometimes there is no right answer - it's just what feels right to us inside. We're always learning balance - knowing how to be ourselves while navigating and respecting a culture (be it in another country, or simply another 'culture' of friends.) And she always thinks of new, cool things to do - like surprise camping in the mountains.

Okay (Meghan's voice back now) there's a part of me that hears every parent in the world smiling in that knowing way, that while of course you want to have goals, you can't plan everything because you haven't met your kid yet, so you not only don't know them, but don't know yourself in relation to them. True. But the life foundations and personal ethics I follow can be in there. And so I'll let myself daydream - knowing that it may not look exactly like the fantasy in my mind - I don't imagine parenthood to be the easiest gig in the world. But instead of worrying and staring at the fear, maybe I'll try, you know, trusting myself. What a fucking concept. I'm 31 years old having this child - in some ways it gives me a bit of a learning curve I'd say. Maybe I'm just barely mature enough to be able to be wild and not have it send me to to jail. Maybe I've learned society's rules just well enough that I know how to break them:)

Maybe I should take a breathe and celebrate the fact that as much as can be purged right now has been. Instead of looking to the past, I should stand present, and even get excited about the future. I forgot one of my big life mantras: "It's not about trusting other people, it's about trusting myself to be okay either way." Duh. It's all starting to come back to me now. Lost in a purge for a minute there. But once nice thing about being vulnerable for a long time - is I know it's temporary, and I'll survive it. And even when I feel like I'm at my weakest, I know that I'm actually strong enough to handle it. That's the nice thing about all this Medicine work. I can handle more than I think I can, and even if I can't, I'm still taken care of in the meantime:) Present and future lenses are on, baby. Excuse my language, but fuck this shit. I'm done with this fear. I got beautiful things on the horizon, and I'm not gonna let that shit taint my present any longer. I got a baby on the way!

Much love guys:)

Meghan

16 Weeks Pregnant: Refining my Rebel

30th Birthday ("Alter-Ego" Theme)

So I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging at least every weekday morning. Sometimes it may be things like a transcription of the new radio show I'm hosting (Wild Amazon Spirit) or maybe just thoughts in my head, from the past, present or future. So I'm at 16 weeks today: 4 months pregnant. Fast and slow at the same time. I've been purging emotionally almost the whole time - the theme being "the fear of my soul being swallowed by domestication" (though I can tell when I'm at the end of a purge when it starts to all of a sudden look annoying to me, which is happening. Like - if you don't want to lose who you are, then don't. Duh.) Kinda funny how the eyes change throughout the process.

As of late, there's been an outcry from my inner "Wild Child", who keeps dreaming of partying and debauchery and the wild lifestyle she sort of once lived, but not to the level she would've liked (insecurity will serve as a wet blanket to almost any experience, and looking back, she never really got to have her full day in the limelight, because I was so young and unsure of myself that I couldn't really let loose the way she wanted. And now, the window to the things that were wildly appealing back then, simply aren't now (sorry, but pregnant or not, I really don't like jail, hangovers and STD retake tests anymore). I'm older, and I've fine tuned my wild taste. Now (well, pre-pregnancy) it involves things more like travel, and artistic expression, with a more mild shot of the old here and there (but not enough for a hangover.)

I dreamt last night there was a guy my friend Shaela was calling "Six Pack" who was hitting on me at a concert (I was not pregnant and taken in the dream.) He was a hippie guy, a high school representation of who I would have fallen for back then. We were making out or something, then got interrupted because the concert was about to start. He was a friend of my friend Ryan, who was also there and watching the scene unfold, knowing how a typical exploit with a "bad boy" generally ends. His ex girlfriend came along, and the confident, "had the power" version of myself melted away into someone who was trying not to look for where he went the whole time, trying to act like I didn't care, trying to look like I felt it was "his loss."

The point of sharing this high-schooly dream scene - is that I forgot what all that crap felt like. It's easy to take for granted the things in front of you (like age/wisdom, a solid relationship, etc) when the world feels like its flipped over on its side shot up with pregnancy hormones and fear. But it was a good reminder to me to remember what (for me at least) can get evoked in the "dating game", and the highs and lows that go with it. I feel like so much of high school still comes up for healing. It's like I spent the first eight years playing, the next 10 years picking up crap to learn from, and have been working on those lessons ever since.

I'm still resisting the transition into "adulthood", that much is clear. But I will find my way (I guess I don't win the grace award on this one, but I'll get to the other side) and I'll be pleasantly surprised to find it's just a wiser, cooler version of myself on the other side. I guess this is the freak out I didn't have when I turned 30 (I was so damn proud of myself too - lol - more ego crumbling!)

I want this baby to come already! I feel like I've been in limbo for four months and on very shaky ground. Guess that's where the learning is - where it's uncomfortable. The Medicine spirits keep shining their flashlight so I (eventually) can see the path, when I'm not closing my eyes in resistance:) One step at a time...

Peace:)
Meghan

From BabyCenter.com:

16 Weeks: Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

15 Weeks: 6 Days Prego: Nurturing the Wild Side

2006 in Costa Rica

Babies, cribs, health insurance. Moving in with my boyfriend in a couple of months. The fear of my soul being swallowed by "domestic life" is up and roaring - some of it has purged, and while I wait for what's left to release, transform, integrate, or at least calm itself, I can't handle this shit anymore.

One comment, a tiny perspective from my mom, and I'm knocked on my ass. Shows how solid I am right now. Hormones or not, this is just getting annoying. The comment wasn't even that bad. It's just my super-sensitive, highly defensive pregnant self attempting to protect myself from a fear.

It's actually the same fear that kept me out of a 9-5 job my whole life (and in turn, I had to figure out how to make money an alternative way, while still feeling like I had some freedom in my life. Then freelance sign language interpreting fell into my lap. Guess the intention was strong.) And while I generally am not an advocate for supporting a fear, I think what's underneath the fear part is myself. My desire to live freely. It's just the fear part that has been keeping me stuck, and is currently equating romance and sweetness with domestic soul suckation.

I see it, that's the important thing. And the passive approach, letting go into this, is complete for now. There's a fine line between purging and wallowing. Had to purge, now I think we've crossed the line. So it's aggressive approach time. And instead of trying to eradicate a piece of myself, I'm going to go with what works - my wild side needs a nice meal. Actually she prefers to rip meat off a bone with her bare teeth (she's the wild side, remember.) She likes to travel, party, and be spontaneous in some ways which not even I can blog about. Before the pregnancy, she had found more of a healthy balance since the high school drug years (when I say "party" now, it means beers at the bar). But since Baby is in process, she's had to chill out for a few months and not party, limit her travel to a couple weekend road trip and only two weeks in Peru (I know, it sounds spoiled when I say it like that!) But she worked hard and took a lot of risks to cultivate this lifestyle, and now it will be a new level in holding the integrity of it in communion with the needs of a child.

Gotta save money, so except for the pre-planned Peru trip in January, travel is out (I'm dying to do a road trip out West!) And obviously the bar will have to wait. So I have decided to find other ways (that are within legal and my moral lines, don't go nuts here people) to nurture my Wild Child. Some of them involve stimulating my inner artist (who is actually quite a badass, and has been kicking and screaming stuck down a well for years). She's quite creative and will lead me in the right direction. Like I said, some of my plans are too risque for even me to write in my blog (okay, to be honest I probably would, but there are other people's privacy to consider here once in while!) Just know this - I am tired of being knocked over my every emotion and spending all my energy defending the fear that I will lose myself in domestic life. If I don't want to do that, I just won't. Get a grip Meghan, it's just a fear.

Some say I live life too intensely. Maybe it's true, and I shouldn't think so much. But this is how "me" comes out on paper - and as I get older, I reserve the right to learn that lesson and chill out. But for right now, my soul still gets off on 'feeling' life - the whole gammut, and playing the game. It's all just one big experience anyway, right?

Much love guys!

Peace:)
Meghan

15 Weeks, 3 Days Prego: On "Prenatal Training", Deep Fear Release and Living Authentically

Pregnancy has really been a ride. But it all makes sense. The hormones, my fears, everything. It's a crazy process - but quite logical at the same time. The hormones take away my ability to fake it, stuff it, or pretend it's not there. Some things may be exaggerated, but in reality everything that has been bubbling up, out and over, all were there to begin with. My "fear themes". Fear of being controlled, and ultimately not having freedom. Fear of monotony. Fear and a boring, stagnant, trapped existence.

I want to live life to the fullest. So wouldn't that involve letting go into love? Trusting not the other person, but myself to be able to make choices along the way? Recognizing that there is always a choice. Always. While it doesn't feel like a choice to not have a Jack and coke right now, it is absolutely a choice. I could make a drink and shoot it down, there is nothing physical stopping me from putting it in my mouth. Each new day in a relationships is a choice. A choice to live this day in communion, and see what comes next. The dynamic of that communion will flow, shift, and evolve as does the rest of life, quite organically. But could I walk away from it? Sure. Could I walk away from a child? People do it all the time. Do I choose to? No. And not out of "obligation" (that feeds my Ego's Victim Mentality.) Not because I'm a martyr or slave to a moral high ground. Because if I go back to my life's intention (to experience life authentically, and from that place of authenticity, create an offering from love to share with others) that involves LETTING GO INTO LOVE (in relation to both my partner, and child). 

Does that mean I hold tight to my safe place of being someone's arm's length girlfriend (and never let go into the place of being a partner?) I know how to be a leader, and I know how to be a follower. Do I know how to be a co-creator? We throw that term around all the time in Western Spirituality. How much do I micro-manage the world around me to avoid triggering my fears?

The hormones showed me. They stripped me of my normal defenses - which are strong enough to keep even myself out of what they're protecting - my fears, and therefore my weak/vulnerable spots. But without the defense walls - all that's left was the mushy, soft, dark, vulnerable panic. Overwhelm. Despair. Depression. And under that - just a thought. An idea. A simple worry. Not necessarily rooted in reality. I've long passed thinking because something happens to other people that it's going to happen to me - I'm way more headstrong than that. I don't like fitting into average statistics. I'm out to prove society wrong (which still is an ego mechanism, and a double-edged sword.) But all that is under there in the fear vault is one, ONE potential reality, that I can CHOOSE to create or not to create, and it sits there like a well of toxic volcanic activity, bursting steam release valves as it churns under the foundation. Pregnancy helped it erupt.

Luckily, one 'pro' to being 31 and having done all of this back emotional work - I managed to reign in the eruption so it didn't char everyone in its path. I won't say I've been a ball of Mary Sunshine, but ultimately, I did the best I could and am okay with that. Part of what I'm getting stripped of are levels of Ego, and that involves self-judgment.

Now, without the lava flow and steam valve releases - all I'm looking at is an empty pit of what used to be a thought, an idea. A fear. Just a simple fear that somehow, I would lose control of my life and no longer have a say in the matter. Which, for me, knowing who I am, is absolutely ridiculous. When have I ever been afraid to ask for what I need, or stand up for what I believe? Why now, when I'm becoming a role model for a child, would I somehow "cave"? I wouldn't. It's not who I am. I have flexed my muscles and shown my teeth enough, defensively, because at the time, that volcano that once was just a thought needed protecting - because I was avoiding eruption. But now here we are.

I have been given an amazing gift from God. And who doesn't like surprises? All the pieces are in place. I was going to call it glue, but that's too permanent. The adhesive that keeps it all together is remembering the big picture. Staying connected in my heart and out of fear (which hangs out in a head-trip.) Remembering that women everyone, of every nation, age, time period, and marital and financial status - have been experiencing this rite of passage since the dawn of time - and I'm sure all of their fears came up and out the same way. I'm lucky enough to be able to recognize what's going on (which may be a blessing and a curse) but it is perfect. It has humbled me to a new level, and brought me to a new threshold of letting go into flow. I almost used the word "forced", which would have been a true depiction of how it felt, but that's only because I was putting up so much resistance.

I saw a vision of the spirit of the child last night, and felt, for the first time, her energy. I'm not sure how accurate the read was, but either way, it shifted a lot of things inside of me. It gave me a glimpse of how it all "works." Just like I'm beginning to look at my old lifestyle with new eyes (it was fun, mind you, but I wasn't really moving as swiftly in the direction as I would have liked. I could have chosen to life that lifestyle forever - but even it was beginning to feel stagnant.) When I saw and felt the amazing, smiling, bundle of Light that culminated into a picture of a beautiful baby girl, I saw the world shift around me. Around her, really. All of a sudden the focal point shifted from me to her (which is what everyone says happens) but it wasn't a feeling of obligation, or duty. It was that she was just so amazing and magnetic - she became the driving force of motivation. Because I just wanted to. And the dreams I came with before her will not be left in the dust - she is already becoming my muse; my inspiration. I want to become a better writer now more than ever, so I can model a life of what following your dreams looks like. And I can write with even more depth and substance that this child will stimulate inside of me. This is not the end of an era by any stretch of the imagination - it is just the beginning. I have no fantasies that the all night feedings and endless poopie diapers are going to smell like rose petals - but it will be worth it. Life is messy, and I'm already in the thick of my own mess, cleaning it up in preparation for this amazing piece of God who will one day be sitting on my lap. Her presence will liberate me, if I allow her to. And the process is already well underway. I have survived Phase One (first trimester) and already experienced so much healing already. Can't imagine what's coming next!

Peace:)
Meghan

15 Weeks BabyCenter.com Update:

Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds.

14 Weeks, 3 Days Pregnant: On Mothers and Daughters

It's kind of sad that I almost don't want to post this - not wanting to be insensitive to the countless amount of people who, for whatever reason, did not or currently do not have the opportunity to experience what a mother's love can feel like. But if I am to keep to the integrity of this blog, discussing the ups and downs of my life journey publicly, well, this is one of the shining highlights, which deserves at least a small virtual space on the internet.

For all the moms out there who are parents of teenagers who want nothing to do with you - consider this story a glimmer of hope. I was that teenager, and now I speak as a 31-year-old proud daughter of Beth Shannon McNally.

It hit around age 12 maybe, my projection of everything wrong in the world onto my mother. She was the strict one. She was the one who made me clean and eat my vegetables. She was the one who wouldn't let me wear dangle earrings to school (it made me look "too mature".) She was the enemy; and not the "fun parent."

Most of this, of course, I made up in my head somewhere along the way. While my dad and her had two vastly different parenting styles (half the week each was enforced, as goes it in the world of civil, but divorced parents.) They tried to make it uniform, but if they both truly believe in two different things, it's really hard to make someone change their values, which of course, manifest in parenting styles.

All in all they did everything right - "clean" divorce, never talked shit about each other, near equal time with the kids. And to all the naysayers out there that say "See? That's why you shouldn't divorce," I call bullshit, at least for my family and our situation. My brother and I turned out pretty well if I do say so myself, and I would have chosen to have two happy, separate parents working together any day over two miserable parents trying to protect the sanctity of marriage. And to say, "Well, they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if they weren't in it for life," um, clearly I wouldn't have a voice to write this blog with if I weren't in existence. I was meant for those two particular parents, and they were meant for me - this, for myself, I am clear on.

I decided I was ready to be independent quite a few years early than the law allowed. Some of this is the culture (in Peru, you are running a household by the age of 16, though I don't think our 16-year-olds could pull it off here in the US with society's upbringing.) But in our deep, raw, animal instinct, I don't think there is some mechanism that says 18 is the magic number where we want to begin to explore the world with a certain amount of autonomy.

Regardless, 18 is the number. Parents are supposed to keep us alive, off drugs, out of jail and presumably not knocked up at least until then (hey, I made it to 30!) Those are the basics. Next level up - good grades so we can get into a good college and automatically get a good job in our related field. We thrive in the world and live out our dreams, becoming whoever we want to be, just like they taught us, right? We marry, have kids, and repeat the cycle.

Sure. Somewhere along the line, there was a glitch in the system. First off, college degrees didn't hold as much water as they once did. Nowadays, it seems the baseline for almost any job (except in creative entrepreneurism, which I believe will be the way out for many). And even if an adult child starts to move towards a dream, it's often shot down by the "realism" of their parents. Wait a minute - not only do I need to forge my way through this crappy economy and a whole lot of naysayers, now, the very people who encouraged me to grow up and follow my dreams are now telling me what? That they're impossible and I'm a fool to try? That I now have to be a "responsible adult" and do what they did, slave to the nine to five and dreaming about retirement? This is some bullshit. You should have told me that shit since the beginning. "Actually, you won't be able to live out any kind of dream, so don't even try." At least you would have been true to your word and what you believe. Just limit me from the start.

After years of being a "responsible wild child" (I was the one who picked everyone up at the drunk tank at 7am, made sure we didn't drive around with too many drugs in the car, and planned my secret adventures to out of state concerts to almost (and I say almost for a reason) precision. I never made it to jail, did almost fail out of school but got back on track, and eventually started looking inward and changed everything. But I blamed it all on her, my poor mother. I was mean, I was spiteful. I put her through the kind of hell I wouldn't wish upon anyone (I kinda wonder how karma works as I look down at my growing belly lol).

But she handled it. And she never judged me. She somehow powered through it (I should get her to write a blog as to her perspective to the experience.) She never stopped loving me, and cutting me off as a daughter was never a thought. Why do we get each other as parent/child? Many believe on a soul level, that we choose each other. Many would disagree with that as well, especially for those who had been beaten and abused and nearly destroyed by their parents. But even some of them, the actual victims to what we would call horrendous parenting - many of them that I know personally still say they became who they are by having to overcome their upbringing, and once they healed it within themselves, wouldn't have had it any other way. I cannot speak to that myself, since clearly, that was not my experience. My turbulence that I had to learn from happened more at school than at home. But I have to stop and think - who else could have handled me going through the phases I went through at that time? The lash rebellion and turbulence that was me coming into myself - a process that was necessary for my growth. Would she have really wanted a daughter who was a doormat and rolled over to anyone she deemed in an authority role?

My individual "thumbprint", the essence of my personality was in there from the start. A mother who was strong enough to handle me - well that says a lot. Who knows what would have happened if she hadn't been able to? That was never meant to be for us. She was up for the job, no matter how ugly the ride (and how much money they had to shell out for military school.)

And I came through - on the other side. Somewhere in my early twenties the anger and hatred started to die down. I began to come into myself, and she began to let go of the "parental" role. This is KEY, I believe, to good relationships between parents and adult children. You'd be amazed at how many friends of mine, in their 30's and even 40's sometimes, where their parents still judge their choice in life (and are vocal about it - "because they care") and try to direct and influence their children's lives based on their own views and beliefs. In this area, my parents have been wildly successful. And guess who I turn to for advice when I need it? THEM. Because they are wise enough to know that I am going to be carving out my own path, and it ain't gonna look like theirs ("hey mom and dad, I'm opening a shamanic healing center in the Amazon!") They found a way to present their concerns for me to consider without making me judged or condescended on. And I tell them everything. My personal life, my professional world - I share with them because they genuinely want to see what's going on in my world. Not to change it, just bonding during the act of sharing.

Once - I've had to set the boundary with my dad. "Dad, with all due respect, I'm just telling you what's going on, I'm not asking for permission." He respected that and recognized that I am a human being, no matter how young and stupid, and even if I were to fall, that's the process I needed to go through. I never once have ever heard an "I told you so" from my parents. THIS is the kind of parent I plan to be.

So now, at 31, pregnant, my mom has been nothing short of my best friend. She has been there for me in every capacity imaginable, and the level of bonding we are experiencing is deeper than it's ever been. A long way fifteen years later from the woman I hated more than anyone.

So mom - this blog's for you. I hope you can feel and receive how grateful I am for you, even applied back to all the years I said otherwise. You are an amazing soul - and I can't imagine learning how to mother from anyone else. You're the best:) I love you!

~ Meghan McKnew Shannon (family joke of signing our full names!)

13 Weeks, 5 Days: Returning from Crazy Pregnant Lady Land (I hope!)

You can tell it's bad when I don't post for three weeks. I'm trapped under something if I can't write - well as you can see I'm now breathing and alive and well. Nothing physically treacherous happened - just a hormone tsunami that knocked my ass underwater and caught me in the riptide.

I felt it coming - especially for the last month leading up to it. But it was hard to tell what was what: what percent are genuine issues bubbling up to be released and/or addressed, what percent are projections made by my quite sensitive ego defense mechanisms (who are hyperactive at the moment) and to what percent the emotions are just exaggerated hormones. Talk about not being able to see straight. Flying blind (as my friend Robyn calls it) is no fun - especially for an extended period of time. Heavy depression, anger. Who knew my inner bitch was that strong. Even though I knew what was going on and kept telling him I knew this shit was mine, I still was shooting almost all of it at my boyfriend (is this a real pregnancy phenomenon? For the woman to get really angry at the partner for no apparent reason?)

It felt like the walls were caving in on me from all angles. All of a sudden I was going to be someone's mom, and practically someone's wife. With no mental prep time, or even a verbal agreement (natural processes for a surprise baby. I do now see the beauty in the solid, long-term relationship as the foundation. Though I still am happy she/he's coming!) It wouldn't be normal if I didn't feel any fear at all - at the very least fear of how the new lifestyle will look (will I be able to integrate what I've learned and create a lifestyle that works for a child/family? Of course, logically I know that yes, I can... fear doesn't have to be rational.) This is the first "normal, committed relationship" I've ever been in. Six months in and all of a sudden I hit the panic button - mother AND wife? My head is spinning.

I had also pulled my "fun" release outlets out from under myself. For good reason, but having the choice to go unwind with a beer and a cigarette is something I'd always been accustomed to having. With that lifestyle gone for awhile, a lot of my social scene goes with it. Not that there aren't fun things to do that don't involve alcohol, but just another lifestyle adjustment I needed to make.

All I knew is that I needed space to breathe. I didn't want to make any sudden moves, as my impulsiveness is a double-edged sword) but at the same time, I was gasping for air. All the fears were bubbling up in one giganto blast. I still hadn't spoken to anyone about my fears (DUMB move.) No energetic outlet. No talking outlet. My fear often manifests in "overwhelm", which fosters procrastination and a downward spiral. Food habits start to go, exhaustion, and other than getting to work, watching TV is all that I could muster. I was a week behind on emails and two weeks on Facebook (business related - that's bad!) Something had to give.

How quickly I forget what my body does if I don't keep it in balance. If I need to purge (and I'm not in Peru, or releasing it through talking or "fun" outlets) and it builds to a certain level - my body has its ways. Oldschool. The migraine. It had been so long I almost forgot about this highly uncomfortable form of purging.

It happened at a wedding. Luckily my friend was the best man and loaned me his hotel room to vomit-purge and recover in. And yes, those energies flew right the hell out of my mouth, just like in ceremony. I felt a lot better.

I began talking about the fears. Letting them out. You know, taking care of myself. Seems so easy from here now, but felt so impossible at the time. I ended up moving into to my mom's basement apartment (I needed my mommy more now than I could remember), and she helped me pull out from under the clutter. Caught up on the emails, had appropriate conversations, brought the eating habits back to normal, even started running and yoga again. And this weekend I spent mostly working on fun Infinite Light related video projects - things that had been sitting in my queue for months) but I'd been putting off (those are the "big dream" projects which fear loves to move to the bottom of the list on a regular day, much less prego - but I'm almost done with two!)

I get it - the training. The strengthening. My people-pleaser is gone, possibly for good (didn't really need her anyway.) I'm not judging myself like I was before (also good). I've been stretched out to a new level, and come back to life - humbled my ego enough to ask for help. And I got it. Escaping out from under that pile of fear was tough - but the strength the butterfly develops in breaking out of the cocoon is the same strength needed to fly. Next level purging prep - initiation on a whole different plane. And Baby's just giving me a deadline on some of these Big Dream projects I'd been putting off for months, even years for some.

Look how much she's taught me, and she's only three months old:)

Riding the tide! Is it May yet?

:)

10 Weeks, 6 Days Prego: Motivation Returns After the Fog Lifts

I am wearing a neon green rubber slap bracelet (yes you fellow 80's babies, that kind) on my left wrist that says "Billionaire". It's funny - I saw it at this little beach shop after I got inspired by that book about creating 'enlightened' abundance ("The One Minute Millionaire" - don't be swayed by the title, it's got good stuff and our language in there!) Anyway it kind of helped shake me out of some of my stuckness - as financial flow (or lack thereof) can gunk up the gears just as much as a clogged artery. So now I wear it as much as possible, but especially when I'm blogging or working on Life Purpose projects to keep me vibrating in the energy of exponential flow - for myself and others. Hey, whatever works:)

And since I've been back, there has been more flow. More ideas, less feeling overwhelmed. More organization as to which projects in which order. Too many ideas is not an excuse to not carry out any of them.

It make sense, while all at the same time the financial and Life Purpose stuff would be up, relationship stuff (I'd been in a bit of emotional shut-down mode, keeping myself in but by nature, keeping others out), and a little bitterness of my friends at the bar enjoying their American Spirits (funny, the beer isn't what I miss!) They all have to do with the old identity releasing into it's new form - something I have felt coming even before I knew I was pregnant. Late 20's Meghan is evolving into Early 30's Meghan, with a new addition to teach me, motivate me, and be my muse. All my areas of weakness have been brought clearly to my attention already, and the child is less than an inch long. All the areas I've been slacking, procrastinating, or making excuses about (all related to next levels of my Life Purpose, which are tied in with money since my intention is to not have to have a "day job") all are starting to shake impatiently as the pressure to let go and just move forward with them continue to build. Going from a notoriously "single" lifestyle (all previous relationships had either been via distance, or an "open" kind of set up) to a full on "normal" committed thing (remember, we're still only five months into it) is definitely going to rile up my inner rebel/free spirit. Plus I don't get to party for awhile (potentially a LONG while, as I would imagine that having a beer will go down on my priority list once the baby is born - or maybe go up lol).

Going from Free Spirit Wild Independent to Mommy, Partner, and Spiritual Entrepreneur (?) this fast is a lot. But Meghan is still in there, underneath all the various hats, roles and solidified identities. None of these facets are my essence; my spirit. None of these pieces are who I am.

As my mom pointed out (what a blessing wisdom from Mom is, for real), once the dust settles, and I find my footing again (like I'm doing now while adjusting to being pregnant, and I will again once the baby is born and I get used to his/her existence) "Meghan", my version of this new application of life will re-emerge once again. She was 22 when she had me, and pointed out that at 22, she didn't have much of an established sense of self to fall back into. But that I know who I am, and I know when I'm not functioning as me. There are pros and cons to being an "older" (says who) mother, and knowing who I am is definitely one of the pros. She was also talking about how she was talking to her friend about how I don't seem too worried about what it's going to be like. Her friend pointed out, "She's 31. She knows how to "do life", and handle the unknown when it comes up." My mom conceded, adding that I have an uncanny ability to always, always land on my feet eventually. Thanks Mom:)

So I get it - I get what's going on. And it's moving. It's processing to where it all is eventually going to land. I'm not blocking it. I let go of trying to be "perfect" with the eating and what I'm "supposed" to be doing, because that was really just fucking with my head. I'm letting it all flow, and allowing it to shift into it's new space. I think the hormones are settling out a little, either that or I figured out how to manage them better. Who cares - I'm just happy I'm not feeling like a pendulum between depression and anger anymore. It's all good:) Infinite Light is going to share a lot of Medicine this winter, and a lot of people's lives are going to be better for it. Life Purpose Flow is flowing, and my ego's excuses are starting to sound like thinner and thinner arguments to me. Everybody has it in them to do this stuff. Getting your own shit out of the way is what makes someone a success. Maybe someday I'll be on the cover of Entrepreneur Magazine - talking about how spirituality led me down this route and made me learn "business". Ha! Who woulda thunk? The visionary part, sure. But ballsy enough to face my own ego and fears and actually have to - you know, crunch numbers? Release old identities? Let go of some walls? My little baby says - bring it. Her mommy can do anything:)

Love you guys!

Peace:)
Meghan
Future Billionaire (it says so right on my slap bracelet!)

9 Weeks, 6 Days Pregnant: Follow-Up Clarity and Thoughts on "Selfishness"

Just a little follow-up to yesterday's post... So I was talking to Calvin (boyfriend/babydaddy/partner/whatever you want to call him) and as I was venting my hurt/anger at what I was perceiving as judgment, a new level of clarity came out. Whether the judgments from the outside are real or just perceived through my eyes doesn't matter, it really is just reflecting my own judgments about myself. Bringing them into what I perceive is physical forces me to sit and feel judged (my own fear.) So more or less, the Universe and Medicine are guiding me through a "facing of my own fear" process, in order to sit in them, come to terms with them, and release the energy, so it can free me up to pursue my next levels of intention.

(By the way, I didn't have any pictures of the Tybee Island beach except for on my phone and I forgot the cord, so this is the only beach picture I have - Outer Banks, NC - my brother and his best friend John:) Closest I got!)

This particular one has to do with being "selfish". I put this in quotes, because the very nature of this term has a connotation of judgment affiliated with it. In the system most often used in Western society, there is often a choice between "selfish" or "selfless." Selfish is bad, selfless good. But one spin of the word "she is "taking time for herself" vs. "she is self-absorbed" mean two opposite things. And it seems, the goal is that we are to shoot for being as selfless as possible.

I have been accused of being selfish before. You write a blog about yourself all the time. Yep, I do. That's all I know - my own perceptions and my own ponderings about life, God and integrity. Would it be better I research and write about someone else's perspective? I could, but better they just write it themselves. I write this blog half for myself, because it liberates me to be "out there" and not in hiding, and half for anyone else who it may spark a thought process towards liberating themselves in some way or another. In the end, what does anyone really have to give other than themselves?

Thinking about the terms "selfish" and "selfless" - if you were to pull the judgment off of them, which makes sense to me, all you have left is "inward focused" and "outward focused." In the end, I don't actually think there's a real difference, since we're all one anyway, but that's too esoteric of a concept for right this second. On a basic, human level, it seems to me that when one is thriving, overflowingly abundant with energy, money, time, whatever, most people quite naturally want to share that. I know I do. Whenever I have extra money I'm way quicker to tip big, buy lunch, help out a friend. It's just money, I don't care when I have enough. Same with energy. When I'm overflowing with energy, I'm loving doing process work with people, and just basking in Life and it's beauty.

But when my cup isn't full, that's the time for me to be inward. I MUST be "selfish" while I let the faucet drip back to full. These are the normal ebbs and flows of life, and especially while pregnant, a certain amount of hibernating seems totally natural to me.

I realized quickly I couldn't do process work during this stage of pregnancy. I was already out of balance with it before, doing it for free and spending quite a few exhausting hours on it per week, to the point of resentment - so I knew that had to come into balance (got that clarity in Peru.) And I came back and the Universe impregnated me (through my boyfriend) and sapped all my energy so that I cannot physically/energetically process people. I can't hold space worth a damn! I can barely hold up my own space, I get toppled all the time by other people's energies and emotions. To claim I can do that kind of work right now is not only out of integrity, it's irresponsible.

So does that make me selfish? No. That I am clear on. And what if it did? What if it turns out I am over the society-created line of what "selfish" means? Does that mean I'm a bad person? That I don't deserve love? That I don't deserve to be here? It goes back to the "paying your dues" lesson I got in Peru - our existence is enough. I am enough, hot/cold, selfish/selfless - it doesn't matter. Giving out of a sense of "duty" or "obligation" is out of integrity to me, it's not coming from a true place of desire to give. And you can't fake the energy. You can try, but it doesn't mean it's authentic. I would rather get no Christmas presents except the one that someone was super excited to give me. I swear the People-Pleaser ego mechanism is getting seriously knocked out of me - maybe never to return? Would that be so horrible?

So it doesn't matter what a person thinks. It doesn't matter what you all think. It matters if I am okay with the space I am in, for myself and my own integrity. That is the lesson they are trying to teach me - and not just for this moment - for life. Be who you are, where you are. It will keep shifting and evolving, closer to our integrity if that is our aim. Can we not judge ourselves in the process? Maybe implore the "no beat yourself up" rule? My ego is starting to care less and less, the more I recognize it as my OWN ego. Outside catalysts only trigger me when I have a weak spot. Now I can see it. And I'm tired of the headspin. So I'm gonna go ahead and be selfish for awhile until I don't feel like it anymore:)

Love you guys!

peace:)
Meghan