Then the next day I was just "down" for the count. All day. I met with my ND/MD (Naturopathic Medical Doctor) for the first time, who will be working with the midwife as my birthing team. I was excited to find out she does prenatal and pediatric care (I think she may be the only ND/MD Ped Dr in Northern VA, because I couldn't find anyone!) And she's not just an MD who likes herbs or something - she's way more of an ND. She understands what I mean when I say I'm "hyper-sensitive to energies". She understands my concerns about how my emotions may be effecting my child's growth. She's awesome, I'm super-excited about her.
Though, after the short high at the doctors, I crashed again. It reminds me of the depression-spike days of my early 20's. Like I'm under a wet blanket and all I want to do is eat crap. My boyfriend came over in a crappy mood himself, which just totally tipped the scales for me since I can't seem to hold my own space anymore. I end up shutting down in protection or something and it's hard for me to recover. Often it takes a good night's sleep. I'm hoping that this balances out today or tomorrow, and is just due to the energy spent at the Expo.
But it also made me think - I haven't really done anything "fun" lately. Since I'm no longer "out" with friends and having anything that resembles a wild and carefree time, I've mostly wanted to do nothing but veg on the couch. It's getting old, but the energy is just not there. Calvin (my boyfriend's) mom told him that for her, she had to create her own energy. My doctor prescribed me a fifteen minute walk outside every day and prenatal yoga (DVD is on the way.) Also to do something that brings me joy.
What brings me joy? What has always been my "stuck in a rut, go-to, shake shit up" saviour? The Emergency Road Trip. By myself. Into nature and art. So I'm thinking about driving south after work on Thursday for the weekend. Don't know where, I'll figure that part out later. Just south. Somewhere I've never been. Maybe a beach. Maybe a mountain. I'll bring art supplies, and my camera, and something to write with. Music to listen to. I gotta get myself out of this not only for myself, but for my child's sake (and my poor boyfriend, I don't know how much more of this he can take - he has never seen this depressed bitch version of myself - and neither have I in the last several years.)
Anyway I'll figure something out. And I'm so sick of hearing about all the people that "did so well" during their first trimester - give me a break, I'm fighting guilt and "not good enoughness" all the time on this. Trying to embrace the experience and not judge it - just have it. Luckily have Paul's class again tonight, that should help since I love that energy. Anyway, send me light and colors ya'll! I'm short at the moment!
9 Week Update from BabyCenter.com:
Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain.
Much love ya'll:)
Meghan
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