16 Weeks, 6 Days Pregnant: "Healing the Bad Boy Complex"

It's clear to me that the nine/ten months gestation period for a child to be born isn't just for the sake of the child. Less than halfway through this pregnancy and I've gotten Peru-level/paced work done. There's a time crunch on this one:)

I think I'm about to the other side with this big "fear of being swallowed by domestic life" purge. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, it's starting to look more and more ridiculous to me (which is what usually happens as I come around to completion). I decided to use one of my favorite tools - pulling out the 'opposite' energy - and do something fun with the boy. A Groupon used well - a nice hotel in the city, sushi and coconut shrimp soup for dinner at a very ambient restaurant, and a dose of exactly what we both needed - some connection. The 'opposite energy' was to dress myself up and remind myself that, belly and crazy hormones or not, I'm an attractive person and I need to feel it once in awhile. Let's face it - I needed to look hot.

My mom also offered to help fund a couple sessions with Paul Sivert, my go-to reader/healer guy here in the US. Very nice of her, because he is paid what he's worth. We did a session yesterday morning (before the date) which got a lot of stuff moving. I'm going to Peru in January, so a lot of this will move out there, but I wanted to get some of these roots out to ease my process even more.

I know what the root belief is: it's the defense mechanism of "wanting what you can't have" - the slippery uncatchable satisfaction that comes from somehow "beating the game". But it's rigged. Why is it a defense mechanism? Because it keeps joy and love in intimate relationships always an arms-length away. It's the mechanism that had me chasing "emotionally unavailable bad-boys", then trying to "fix" them the majority of my life. Like they are mine to "fix" - how arrogant of me. And the ones who just loved me without making me feel like I had to put on a show - well I wasn't attracted to them. In fact, I was often energetically repelled - no matter how cute, nice, etc, I viewed them as needy and weak, and the opposite of what I wanted.

That's on me - my issue to be addressed. While I can see clearly now that it's not only out of balance, it's preventing me from being able to just relax into a happy relationship and potential family - because there's a sense of "ready to flee" panic button that only a future child could convince me to override - and if I don't get the root out - who knows for how long. So it's on - I'm tired of the "just around the corner" syndrome. I wanted unconditional love - and I got it. So now, all I have to do is move out any block in my body regarding the acceptance of it.

I got a good reading from Paul - and he got some info that makes a lot of sense, too. When I'm running around trying to catch the uncatchable, or longing for the satisfaction of a relationship I can't have, I'm distracted.

"It's no secret you have a big destiny. Part of your role in the Medicine is still being kept secret, even from you, until the right time to reveal it. But all the related dreams you have - the writing, etc, that's all still in tact. Having a child does not change that. In fact, the child will move you along. When you relax into this, Calvin will create the foundation you need to be able to launch, and manifest your dreams (and you for him). If you want to be focused on your Life Purpose, you've got to solidify this area of your life." Okay that's not an exact quote, but you get the gist.

I never thought about the run-around as being a distraction. Of course it is (duh). It's not like I didn't see the pattern. It's not like I didn't recognize myself as the common denominator. I just hadn't walked straight into the fire of my fear yet (and then gotten pregnant on top of that, which just accelerated this investigation.) Now I'm in it, and actually almost out the other side. What happened in there? I faced the fear at a new level. I didn't get caught by the glitter of temptation to get back on the rollercoaster. It took me awhile to get myself down into the cave (because part of me was kicking and screaming and rationalizing the whole time) but now we're in.

All this work in the Medicine leading me up to this new level, that I am only now ready to handle. Not everyone has this root belief, so it may not resonate for everybody. But for those that do, it doesn't seem to go away until addressed, which can happen at any age. So it may seem 'high-schooly', most issues are - or picked up before. I didn't pick up much to learn from after the age of 18. I started working on the back work.

So here we are. I actually feel better now than I did before, since I "got in" (the process was what was so uncomfortable, because many people, including myself, have limited vision for awhile.) But now the clarity is opening to new levels, and I'm being able to see the big picture more and more. And I'm getting super excited to meet this baby. First ultrasound - end of the month!

Much love guys:)

Peace
Meghan