26 Weeks, 5 Days Pregnant: Growing a Life of Integrity

It's funny, I wrote that title using the word "growing" intentionally - in relation to how a the jungle grows organically as a part of nature - wild and yet, in perfect integrity for itself. I was going to apply it to the topic of my lifestyle, specifically around career and work choices, as well as parenting. Then I looked back on it, and as I chose the picture I would be using, I saw the little life growing inside - and recognized the multiple-faceted meaning of this title...

Photo: Body Art by Kim Brennan of www.facebook.com/HasinaMehndiandBodyArt (note - this is NOT Meghan in the photo - just a very appropriate energetic picture of how I feel!)

So I've been back from Peru a little over a week now. I dove into a full semester of sign language interpreting - my boyfriend and I are creating some surplus so we don't have to stress about money during the first three months after Campbell arrives (and I won't be working.) Full schedule, straight with early morning awakening at 5:30am every morning (I refuse to feel rushed in the morning - gotta stay low-stress for baby!) I am still temporarily staying at my Mom's house until my brother's townhouse is ready for us to rent out from him on March 1st.

By the end of the week, I was tired. Deeply tired. I was so excited about seeing a very special concert my friends' band was performing, a last show for one of the members. But come Friday night at 9:30pm, the idea of leaving the house seemed like the steepest hill in the world. I stayed up/dozed on and off for two hours trying to muster up the strength to go. I lost.

I woke up the next morning mad. Sad. Couldn't believe I missed this event so near and dear to my heart. Couldn't believe I even had had a debate about it in my head the night before. Couldn't believe the option of not going even crossed my mind. What had happened? Who was I becoming? My finger was hurting from too much interpreting, and I had missed the only major event I was dying to go to.

It catalyzed a purge, then a slap in the face from the Divine. How long have I been talking about wanting to move away from filling my weeks with interpreting and moving more into areas where I can be of better service and support? Quite a while now - yet the book it still not written. My friend and I came close to opening a shared space venture called Wildfire, but the money never came through (just as well, since she started dating someone out of state and I got pregnant, and neither of us had flex money.) I was so exhausted from my work week that I couldn't muster up the energy to go out on a Friday night and do something I deeply cared about. Something was out of integrity with my lifestyle. I've been seeing the signs, feeling the pulls and pushes, knowing I needed to move for over a year now. And what happens when I know what to do yet I don't do it? I get a Universe slap on the face. And I recognize I am out of integrity by definition.

After the initial vent anger/sadness purge the next morning, it came even clearer. I feel like I'm "wasting myself" interpreting. Not that it's not a noble career - Deaf people sure as hell need good interpreters. But I've lost my passion for it, my drive. I don't get to use my own voice (at all - it's contra to the nature of the job.) While it's not a negative thing in my life - the only thing I'm personally gaining from it at this point is money. To spend 30-40 hours a week of my life without growth - I can't do it. I won't . It's one thing to "sacrifice" for a period of hardship, or to get over a hump, but when that becomes the lifestyle, and I know full well it is not allowing me to be the most useful I can be to humanity - it's simply out of integrity.

The beauty is, after all this fear-facing/ego work I've been in, it's not as scary. I know who I am, and I know that what I have to offer (myself and my voice) is valuable for some people. Maybe not everyone, but many ask me for time. My time has a demand. But it's up to me to offer a supply. Plus, I can gradually reduce interpreting hours and increase one on one or workshop time as needed, so there won't be a huge financial leap (at first, I plan to charge what I make interpreting, since that's what I could be making elsewhere, it's a fair value for my time.) I'm over the money shit of and the collective judgment about "accepting money for spiritual work is bad" - bullshit. I can spend my time interpreting so my child can eat, bringing only minimal value to humanity, or I can spend my time supporting people who are asking me for my support, not only so my child can eat, but so I can maximize my service to humanity. Kind of a no-brainer.

So after we move in and get settled, I will begin (for real) opening up to doing various coaching/healing/etc work. Time to step up and step into new levels of service. One thing I do NOT want to model to Campbell is being a slave to money. What I do want to model is living a life of integrity - meaning continued growth and cultivation of a lifestyle that offers what you love back to humanity - and there is nothing wrong with financial trade for your time. Money can't be the top priority, or it taints it - but all of our time is valuable. If I don't recognize what my time is worth within myself, how can I expect someone to see it as well? That's a tool I want to pass onto my son, and it must be done through show, not tell.

Growing two lives of integrity at the same time:)

Peace:)
Meghan